Thich Nhat Hanh, the revered Vietnamese monk, eloquently wrote:
Sometimes we might feel scared of being alone. We may feel that “alone I can’t make it; I have to have somebody.” This is a continuation of our original fear. If we look deeply, however, we will find that we have the capacity to calm our fear and find our own happiness.
In June 2023, perhaps, unconsciously, to arrest the malady which had blighted my spirit during the early stages of the year, I spent a month, in relative solitude, practising Vipassana (insight) meditation at Wat (Temple) Chom Tong, one hour north of Chiang Mai. A profound and enlightening experience which lifted the clouds, and revealed some lingering shadows.
Phra Art, a seasoned Thai Monk, was my mentor at the temple. He remains, along with Richard Moore, among the most impressive men that I have ever met. Our daily meeting usually lasted about twenty minutes. During this time he imparted wisdom and insight which opened and expanded my mind. I was both baffled and astonished on multiple occasions as he would relay to me what I had been thinking and experiencing the previous day. He got inside my mind. Phra Art could effortlessly motivate me to carry out tasks which I had zero desire to do. I often went into his office, both physically and mentally exhausted from the previous day’s walking and sitting meditation practices (usually between 12-16 hours), and would leave less than half an hour later completely reenergized and agreeing with his requests such as: “Today I need you to do 16hrs, walking, sitting walking, sitting.” I would dutifully nod my head like an eager schoolboy and mumble, “Yes, Sir!” The effortless control he exerted over me was dumbfounding. I respected him implicitly.
The physical pain experienced from 10 hours of walking meditation and 6 hours of sitting meditation a day was surprisingly brutal. I had pains in many different parts of my legs which had never been sore before - pain from sciatica in my glut and hips. When I shared my tale of woes to Phra Art, he shrugged them off with the insightful words: “Just because the body is sick, does not mean that the mind has to be sick.” Then the knockdown punch landed for he then declared: “I have colon cancer…” He relayed how insight meditation (Vipassana) was helping him to maintain a healthy mind whilst battling cancer of the body. Pain, he told me, was ever-changing, constantly moving, never permanent. He challenged me to uncover the true nature of the pain. I didn’t bother mentioning physical pain to him again!
The physical pain was nothing compared to the mental torture endured. Observing the severe delusions of the mind, up close, for such an extended period is both terrifying and fascinating; a real eye-opener. At times, I felt that my mind was launching a savage attack on me, akin to having a broken record in my head playing the same horror movie repeatedly. The determination and mental strength needed not to just throw in the towel and walk away from the process was incalculable. Phra Art informed me that I was cleansing my mind of decades of impurities and delusions, and releasing stored memories and storylines which the deluded mind desperately clung to.
William Butler Yeats claimed that:
It takes more courage to examine the dark corners of your own soul than it does for a soldier to fight on a battlefield.
I developed a much better understanding of Yeats’ words during this month at the temple. The courage needed to withstand the internal onslaught and continue practising for hours on end for a whole month was monumental. Self-discipline and self-motivation were key, not to mention belief and determination. I refused to give up, or give in, and let my mind gloat.
During the entire month at the temple, I did not meaningfully communicate with anyone apart from Phra Art or Phra Cho, another very impressive monk brimming with insight, wisdom, and the willingness and capacity to help others. I sat alone, ate alone, went completely offline, had no access to books or stimuli of any form, and did not journal or record my thoughts in any way. I rarely meditated in any of the main halls to avoid even the remote possibility of distraction, choosing instead to meditate in my room, following the strict schedule recommended each day by Phra Art. A light breakfast was served at 6 am, followed by lunch at 11. No more food was available, or indeed needed. I adapted quickly.
I experienced intense states of bliss while meditating at the temple. They were like nothing I had ever experienced before, or since. Crisp Sauvignon Blanc from New Zealand, mind-blowing sex, the initial rush from a fat line of Charlie, or the sweaty palms and rapid heartbeat as your horse crosses the finish line in first place, all pale in comparison.
On one occasion as I was about to enter a euphoric state of bliss, a severe pain simultaneously shot through my right hip. My mind robotically fixated on the pain. The wide-open door to pure unadulterated ecstasy abruptly slammed shut. I was gutted, but a life lesson, more permanent than bliss, was delivered in its stead. A voice from the subconscious whispered, “You have been overcome by fear.” “How do I overcome fear?” thought I, in response. The succinct, yet profound, answer arrived instantaneously: “Trust.” Lesson understood!
Now, if only I could put this into practice in my daily life. Greed, society’s sleazy strumpet, injects my mind with fear daily. The desire for more money swallows time and energy betraying a lack of trust. If not money, then sex. If not sex, then attention, or perhaps food. And so on, and so on. The misery of more. Greed comes in many forms and must be mastered to maintain peace of mind.
The initial 21-day retreat ended after the completion of a 72-hour practice referred to as ‘Determination.’ During this entire three-day period I did not sleep, or even shower. Instead, non-stop walking and sitting meditation was undertaken, only stopping to eat breakfast and lunch. It is pretty brutal. I was relieved and exhausted when it ended. The plan was to leave the temple the next day, but Phra Art had different ideas. He convinced me that it was in my best interests to stay for another week and complete the next stage. Naturally, I did not argue with the man. He was in charge of me!
Around this time, I reflected on all the people who had tried and failed miserably, to get me to bend to their will in the many workplaces I stained with my presence. They would have been in awe of Phra Art and the effortless ease with which he got me to acquiesce to his suggestions. An incredible man, whom I have deep respect and admiration for. He unlocked something in my mind. I am not quite sure what. I don’t need to know. It is irrelevant. He told me that I had not been happy when I arrived (he was right), and that I was troubled by something.
After enduring another tough week of introspection, I left the temple, but not before, a final 48-hour ‘Determination’ exercise was undertaken, in which I experienced blackouts (Phra Art’s definition of the phenomena) during mediation sessions. Phra Art told me that I was an excellent student, one of his best! He had been watching me very closely, he said and was impressed with how dedicated I had been to the practice, particularly by staying to myself, eating alone, and not interacting with the other foreigners. “This is Vipassana,” one of his favourite expressions. It was probably the first time that a teacher made this bold claim about me. A nice massage of the ego.
Thailand’s leading Centre of Vipassana Insight Meditation was founded in 1991 by Phra Ajahn Thong Sirimangalo. The centre sits within Wat Chomtong, Chiang Mai, a temple and monastery with a history stretching back to Buddha himself (https://www.watchomtong.com)
Further Reading: